1. |
Crashed My Ride
03:00
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Verse:
It was a dark and stormy night;
actually, it was calm and clear on Saturday.
I was so sick, hawking up loogies by the liter
running a 102 fever, even my teeth hurt
and I just wanted the touch of a woman.
Pulled out the drive way and made a left turn,
just then, right out of the corner of my eye
a spider drops on my left thigh.
Pre-Chorus:
I crashed my ride
into a big yellow pickup truck (at 20 miles an hour).
The only consolation in this situation
is that I caused $3000 of damage to his truck.
Chorus:
"Ohhh, it’s so amazing that one night of thera-flu
can have such consequences to my life.”
Did I say “life,” whoops I meant “bank account.”
Rap:
it’s a good thing
I got a seven dollar refund on my tax return
so I can pay him back
for a little dent in his bumper. (bumper bumper bumper)
maybe I should get a job,
singing in the street with guitar case open
so I can pay him back
for a little dent in his bumper. (bumper bu-bu-bu-bumper bumper?)
chorus
Outro Rap:
haaaa aaahhhh dnuora gninnur se nsissur a laitnetop tog I, laitnedifnoc ton sti
raey tsal fo yraurbef ni dah I taht dneirfyob a ekil dekool ohw
dneirflrig a dah uoy taht em dlot ydobemos
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2. |
celly
01:16
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you know my name and i must say
i'll bust a cap in your ssa if you claim I ain't gangsta
i’ll be denmad this homiez be runnin' around
trying to say i ain't tihs on this hctib oh yeah you hear it right
right here i start a thgif
right here i be so tight
right here you wanna wanna wanna die tonight, I’ll facilitate.
so you don’t hate
don’t you hate
hate you don’t
i know you frontin' but you ain't sayin' nothin' nice
like what I am (yo!) who be the one
L.B.C. D.P.G. P.T.L. motha what ah cap a bust a in you aaaaaaaas.
so what you thought
I be the 1
what you thought, I
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3. |
Average Density
00:41
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The moon’s average density of about 3,300 kilograms per meter cubed is quite similar to density of the lunar surface rock obtained by the U.S. and Soviet missions. The similarity all but eliminates any chance
that the moon has a large, massive, really big nickel iron core like that within Earth. This low average lunar density suggests that the moon contains substantially fewer heavy elements such as Iron, than does Earth.
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4. |
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I took a piss in the urinal
and I thought about
all the people that died in that 30 second span
30 seconds more for washing my hands with soap.
How many people choked
on a rib eye?
Or a tender piece of tofu
I know you think it’s ridiculous to think of
this at time of day
but 30 seconds more and you might be
washing the dishes
with the fishes
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5. |
bread
01:01
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My girl love to bake
she put the dough in the bread machine
and d-d-d-ding ding,
she push the buttons and the bread come out
2 hours later fully risen lookin like a cloud.
I know it’s hard to believe that I’m my own man
I’m grown and sexy better believe that I’m from Oakland
I drive a CIVIC but sometimes I leave it home and
I take that walk ‘cuz I don’t wanna get it stolen.
You know I’m swole man my love’s like “wo!” man
equal to no man just a singer in a… band
I’m like wasabi and you know what I mean
I get so hyphy every single day of my life, B
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6. |
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For the 1st time in my natural life,
I found that kind of female you can brag to your friends about, yeah.
But then she went out and fornicated with other men, yeah.
I aint sayin I’m perfect, mighta messed around a couple times with the babysitter’s daughter, yeah.
But that aint no reason for you to go and do me so wrong, girl
I axed my homies what they thought about you, they say you aint nothing but a
Low Down Dirty University President’s Daughter (daughter, daughter!)
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7. |
A Prairie Song
01:38
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I spent a summer day inside,
searching the internet for metaphors
to make me feel less alive.
They advertise $6000 to sell your unwanted eggs
so they can make other people's babies
come to life.
I want to hyperventilate if it means
getting more fresh air.
My back bicycle tire is flat, running on empty;
like a straight-shot road trip from here to D.C.;
at least you can roll the windows down
and feel the fast moving fresh air
glide.
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8. |
$25 Bill
02:33
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$25 bill in the gas tank;
87 octane, damn I love runnin' on a full tank on the full bank
got the music crankin' I'm so hard.
I'm rockin' the solar shields over my regular glasses,
you know the ones found mostly on grandmothers?
I'm so gangster I push the seat forward and nobody notices;
got the seat back straight up so I can focus on all this hocus pocus
goin' on on the highway, yeah, it's a litle past mid-day,
and I never use A.C. because it's cheaper to roll down your windows.
Anyway, I'm all about Hip-Hop,
but I never rolled a drop-top, never killed no one
only held a gun three times in my life,
keep a Leatherman knife in my pocket
just in case I got a lock to pick
but you'd never catch me on a b&e.
I break into my own house only if I forgot my own keys.
I'm a MySpace gangsta, thanks to internet homies
I won't ever get lonely, only the fans that wanna get to know me be so boney.
I got a boss named Tony, I own every CD by Yoni.
One day they'll try to clone me...
But on the reals I just wanna let you know the deal:
I'm a college student trying to pay my bills.
I started rappin' and realized I have some skills, for reals.
Until we meet again my name is P.T.L. and I hope you can be my friend
and then we can spend time and time again
tryin'a blow the wind back to the begin so we can...
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9. |
Honkey Ho
02:42
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It's alright, it's okay;
You cut me off on the freeway, I stepped on the brake to give you some leeway.
By the way, today has not been my day...
Chorus:
I honked my horn, you flipped me off.
You want some more of this, get out the car, miss.
I honked my horn, you flipped me off.
You want some more bitch, you whore...
If I could, I would have bumped you into the divider.
I'd watch you crash and burn like a fire.
Oh why do I think these thoughts?
Oh tell me Jehovah, why do I think these thoughts?
Help me to change my violent ways!
Chorus
La la la la la la la la la/meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
In conclusion, why'd you have to do it?
I was driving home from community college, my girl in the passenger seat.
Is she s'posed to think I'm that kinda guy?
I hope she doesn't think I'm that kind of guy.
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10. |
When I'm Happey!
02:33
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Who knew it woulda been? Who knew it coulda been this easy
to feel the heat of a pretty woman by my side every night
and I think to myself as I lay next to her head
how her eyelashes flicker like the ticker of a clock
stacatto tick staccatoo tok
and I fall into a deep sleep of a dreamless,
of a seamless nature; and I hate to
disclose the full information of our relations
but my patience is wanin' with playa's who be sayin' that I
only write songs when I'm sad or melancholy.
Can't you see?
Chorus:
I pretend I don't write songs when I'm happy,
but I'm passing this one like a kidney stone
or a silent but deadly fart;
there's considerable art in a fart.
25mph down a windy road;
you and me face to face got that A.C. on.
I'm a kidney stone in the corner of your eye
who knew I could drive with my eyes fixed toward the side?
Every day is another opportunity to fill my Mickey Mouse cup to the brim
drink skim milk and look at stars.
I could watch my John Mayer DVD while eating microwaveable pizza,
and read the newspaper at my leisure.
I could look at pretty girls and school and know it's cool to look
and they won't look back and my girl at home knows I look with the same mentality
I tell her I take pretty pictures with.
I could read Harry Potter and make home videos
the remedy for doin' home work in a timely manner;
I'm a master of procrasta'.
Chorus
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11. |
After the Strom Thurmond
01:32
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After the storm, all the little branches wash up
along the edge of where land meets water.
Where do they come from?
I guess I'll never ever ever really know,
but the tracks from the park ranger pickup
divert my thoughts just for a second,
long enough to lose my train of thought
among the seagulls and fruit snack packages.
Long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit evenings,
the man always picks up the tab,
flags a cab, and calls the alcohol poison hotline.
Bike riding in Yosemite,
a rented cabin with all the amenities.
"I would be yours, if you would just be my girl."
Late night, at the internet café,
goin' half on a croissant baby.
We sure found the Wi-fi hot spot,
so AIM me and baby don't stop yeah!
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12. |
I Love You
02:23
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I know it might be just a little late to say
this but I can't hold it in anymore.
I love you!
I should be writing an essay,
" paying my taxes,
" washing the dishes,
" waking up earlier,
but instead I'm writing a love song.
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13. |
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White Ts and Nike's is so far from me.
I wish I had some dreds to shake, but I am Chinese.
Chorus:
I don't ghost ride the whip, go dumb with it, get retarded no,
I am just keeping it real.
Ain't got no stunna shades to rock, ain't got no grill.
In my MySpace picture, got aluminum foil over my teeth.
Fake thizz face, gas brake dip, no muscle car to roll to school with,
and I crashed my 22hp scraper. Ain't got no paper.
Chorus
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14. |
Kongr and Garbanzo Beans
01:05
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Corn,
and Garbanzo beans,
taste,
so good to me.
Ohhh!
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15. |
The Silly Things
02:10
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When my hair is finally long enough to comb to the side,
when my beard is finally thick enough to cut with a knife
I'll be a man...
I'll be the best man that this world has ever seen,
so fresh and so clean,
but when people tell me that Asian people can't grow facial hair that thick,
it makes me sick.
When my chest is finally big enough to wear women's clothes,
I still won't wear women's clothes because I really don't luddem ho's.
K nqxg rcpvu. K nqxg ngcvjgt lcemgvu. Kh k ycup'v uwej c ywuua, K'f rtqdcdna tkfg c jctnga® vqq!
When the world is finally old enough to lay down a die,
smashed flat like pizza dough by some Italian guy...
I really hope I don't obsess over these silly things,
but then again what fun is life without the silly things?
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16. |
Pajamas in Public Places
01:56
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From the first day, you were worthy of being in my life girl,
that's why I spend 23.7 hours a day with you!
I'd wash a dish for you, make the bed too
and I'd even leave the heater on all night
at the risk of burning my eyebrows off!
chorus:
Why don't we wear pajamas in public places?
I want to find my way back to you.
Why don't we wear pajamas in public places?
I want to find my way, yeah!
You know you can call me anytime,
I know I can see you anytime,
(chorus)
uh!
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17. |
Smell 2 Me, Byzantines
02:53
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Sitting in m humanities class I start to fall asleep.
We're watching a video about the Byzantines.
I'm in the front row, back bent head on my elbows,
and I'm drifting between the states of awake and asleep.
ahhhhhhhhhh! ooohhhhaaaahhhh!
Then I spontaneously awake with a jolt from a particularly frightening dream.
I loose all notion of space and time, and I let rip a particularly embarassing fart.
I know it shouldn't be that bad, but I couldn't turn to face the class after that.
I pretended to go back to sleep,
and keep alive the hope that nobody could pinpoint the sound and smell to me.
Will I always be that guy that farted in class?
When I turn my back will they point and stare and laugh?
I guess I should be thankful that I didn't shit my pants,
but if I wanted to holler at some chick I just lost my chance.
Uh ho, a-oh-ho, yeah.
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18. |
Frozen Taquitos
00:27
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Frozen taquitos and day old vegetarian burritos
are mixing in my stomach,
finding their way into the dark...
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19. |
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From far away, the grass next to the freeway
looks like the grass in your front yard; untamed,
but with a little bit of love can become
the Hollywood stylist's dream.
But upon closer examination,
the grass is as tall as your bookshelf.
So please don't pull over to the side of the road
like you wanna be Lassie from a movie from the 50's or
Maximus from the first scene of Gladiator.
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20. |
Naked Ear
01:22
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Your naked ear will probably never hear a cellphone vibrate on a blanket and I'm to blind to see stoplights without glare.
We'd be long gone dead as cave people, unable to track deer or stab a fish out of water,
and a rattlesnake hiss might register as a branch blowing in the breeze,
but here we are living and loving it up in the 21st century
where art teachers cut colored construction paper out of rainforests, so kids can make collages of rainforest.
I don't like to yell at kids, but sometimes you just gotta...
Even at a young age, they know the mean face.
They know you ain't playin' when your eyebrows turn in like a boomerang going down, and their ship is going down
and they know there's no yelling in the classroom, but sometimes they just gotta.
I'd like to meet the maker of videogames some time, so I can ask for my attention span back.
But alas, that's like yelling at bad drivers from the comfort of 70mph.
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21. |
Girl Made Scarf
00:45
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A girl made me a scarf a long time ago.
She decided to knit it at one of my shows.
Some of my friends thought it was rude of her to knit at my show,
but at the time it was all because because I didn't even know,
and we're still friends.
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22. |
That Much More of a Man
01:54
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I'm walkin' around in a ritzy shopping mall and wanting you so bad,
I step into a store that specializes in exotic cheeses.
I dial your number on the cameraphone but you don't pick up,
I just wanna know if you want parmesan or provelone.
It's a long drive home, but I can work on my farmer's tan.
Every day that I don't fall asleep on the freeway it makes me that much more of a man.
Sometimes I try to change the CD while driving with one hand.
It's kinda hard when I'm driving stick shift, but it makes me that much more of a man.
ah!
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23. |
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If God is watching over me, then why do I feel make believe,
Like dandelion seeds floating on this breeze,
choking on a meatball sandwich, would somebody call my mechanic?
It's a calamity, an emergency, a tragedy, a fallacy...
God!
I know you're watching my mistakes and chuckling... (ha ha ha ha ha)
Chuckling at me...
God!
If you can hear me please give me a sign... that you're alive (ha ha ha ha ha)
I want to see some magic in the air
like a three-legged hippopotamus sprouting wings and flying...
uh!
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